Even going through forth decade of my life I never thought I will discover something new about myself.
In general I consider myself a stable and very conservative about my life and surroundings. Order and predictably makes me calm and relaxed. I always imagined that this is what I was longing for. Direction that defines my life, making it more orderly but at the same time boring and uneventful. But looking back at my life I can’t say it was stale. All major life choices I made does not look like choices of a person who’s unwilling to take a risk.
Looking closer at all major events that turn my life around I think I made an unexpected discovery. They all seems to be driven by one nagging thought in my head. That thought growing bigger and bigger with time screams: “Nothing lasts forever!”. The more stable things are and more comfortable I feel the bigger it grows.
That makes me do preemptive strikes on my life’s order. Radically deconstruct my life and move forward. From one point you might think it’s good. I’m going away from stagnation and degradation. Always growing into something new.
However, the reflection I made is that this is a feeling, an instinct not a rational thought. It’s based on my fear of loosing predictability and order in my life. It’s a fear and I don’t I have control over it. It’s not rational.
It’s beyond my control because even for the most stable and reliable parts of my life, the things I would never consciously change, even if I resist the change wholeheartedly, that fear takes the control and does things I would never consciously do.
Another new thing I understood is that order and predictability is not when something is stagnant. For me order and predictability is when things are growing and developing. When there’s a direction. When they stop to develop fear starts to grow and takes control. Because when something stops growing the only thing left for it is to die. But you never know when. And that is when unpredictability triggers the fear. Basically every time I look at stale parts of my life another nagging thought keeps popping up “Is it dead yet?”.
I destroy things as a way to create more order. That fear of loosing predictability makes me create chaos and that fear is totally defined my life.